


what things for us lie ahead

by aroacejeanprouvaire



Series: nothing more to take in [1]
Category: Eyewitness (US TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-31
Updated: 2016-12-31
Packaged: 2018-09-13 14:22:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9127585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aroacejeanprouvaire/pseuds/aroacejeanprouvaire
Summary: Lukas wakes up in hospital, again, but this time Philip is there.(The show gave us a cute epilogue, but I'm going back a month and filling in the rest of that day.)





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [foreignconstellations](https://archiveofourown.org/users/foreignconstellations/gifts).



Lukas is floating, in that place he was before, before he woke up, but he did wake up, so why is he back here? He’s floating, suspended, his limbs feel heavy and light at the same time and his head is fuzzy and his chest is

_pain_

pain that was sullen and dull becomes suddenly overwhelming, suddenly it’s all he can think about, this throbbing pain, his chest is so full of it that there’s no room for air, no room for his heart to beat, everything is just pain in the dark until at last he can force his eyes open and the light is so bright and he gasps in a big breath and

_and_

_the killer_

_the car_

_Philip_

He remembers being taken out of the boot, he remembers being told it’s okay, he remembers his dad saying he loves him, but Philip wasn’t there, he can’t remember seeing Philip, can’t remember why Philip had disappeared from the boot and he tries to move, tries to get the words out:

_where’s Philip where’s Philip where’s Philip_

and then there are hands on him, gripping his right hand, his left shoulder, and he looks up straight into Philip’s face and he’s so relieved he wants to laugh but that’s more pain and Philip is talking and he needs to listen but he can’t quite do it yet so he squeezes Philip’s hand where it’s gripping his and tries to breathe through all the pain and waits for the words to make sense.

_Lukas, okay, look, Lukas, hey, alright, Lukas, Lukas_

“Lukas are you alright? Are you okay? Hey, look at me, what’s wrong? Look at me, Lukas, are you alright?”

He squeezes Philip’s hand tighter and manages to say, “hurts.” He’d meant there to be an ‘it’ before that but it gets lost back in the space where he was floating before and only ‘hurts’ makes it out.

Philip is talking to someone else then, but he doesn’t let go of Lukas’s hand, and that’s good. Lukas wants to hold Philip’s hand forever. That’s all he can think about, that and the pain.

And then a nurse is there, doing something to all the stuff beside the bed, and Philip is talking again, leaning close to him, and Lukas doesn’t get the first part but he hears, “-will make it better. The meds must have worn off but they’re fixing you up again.”

Lukas whispers, “Thank you.” and waits for the pain to go away. It begins to lessen and he’s able to focus a bit better. His head feels a bit clearer and he asks, “What happened?”

Philip looks sad. He looks so sad. But all he says is, “your wound reopened so they put you out for a bit to fix everything up, and so you wouldn’t be in too much pain.”

That wasn’t really what Lukas was asking, but it’s good to know, and he can’t get words to do what he wants to ask the rest.

Philip leans over him again. “Lukas, you’re with me now? You’re understanding me?”

He nods.

Philip puts a hand on Lukas's face and Lukas can’t think when Philip has ever done that before. It suddenly seems very important. He knows he’s put his hands on Philip’s face a lot, but he isn’t sure when Philip has done it. He’ll ask him, when words are working again, and

and he’s missed something. Philip said something and he missed it.

He manages: “What?”

“The killer. Lukas, the killer is dead. I saw it, I… I saw Helen shoot him. He’s dead. He’s really dead, and we’re safe. For real this time.” But he still looks sad. Philip looks so, so sad.

Lukas squeezes his hand and whispers back, “we’re safe.”

He feels so sleepy again, doesn’t know if it’s the pain meds or just his body’s response to everything that’s happened, but his eyes drift closed and he’s sure it was only for a second but when he opens them again there’s no hand in his and no Philip by his bed.

He turns to check the other side and his dad is sitting there.

“Lukas! Hey, how are you feeling?”

Words are still hard, so he focuses on the most important one.

“Philip?”

Apparently that was the wrong word; his dad looks annoyed.

“He just went to the bathroom or something.” Lukas can see him forcing himself to take a softer tone. “But I’m here, it’s alright.”

Bo being there doesn’t make anything alright, but Lukas knows better than to express that, even if he could get his mouth to form the words, so he just listens as his dad nervously fills the silence.

“It’s all over now. I guess they told you that? But that man, he’s dead now, and it’s all over, and you’re going to be just fine. Once you’re all healed up you’ll come home and everything will be just how it was.”

Bo starts to say something else then hesitates, then starts again. “But, ah, Lukas, listen, something bad did happen. Philip’s mom, she, uh, that man found her and… well she didn’t make it, okay? So you should really let that boy go home soon, you know how hard it is, what he’s going through, so just encourage him to go home and work things through, okay?”

Lukas shakes his head but he doesn’t know what he’s trying to say no to because it’s all wrong. Philip’s mom can’t be dead, that can’t have happened, it doesn’t make sense, he can’t stand the idea of something that bad happening to Philip. And his dad is so, so wrong, he can’t tell Philip to go. That’s the last thing he should do. He’s told Philip to go away from him so many times and it was always, always the wrong thing. Philip needs to stay with him, he needs to tell Philip to stay with him, he needs to talk to him, make sure he’s okay, or just let him be not okay, and

and Philip is there, next to the bed again. He’s standing, like he’s unsure if he’s allowed to stay, and Lukas has to let him know he can stay but he doesn’t know what to say with his dad there and all he can think to do is stretch his hand towards Philip. Philip stares at it for a second, then hesitantly takes hold of it, and Lukas grips back as tight as he can.

Then his dad is standing up, looking away, like there’s something indecent about their hands being clasped together, something that he can’t look at. He mutters something about letting them talk, and then he’s gone.

Philip sits down again and leans in close. “Sorry I left, I had to go to the bathroom, and then your dad was here and I didn’t know if I should come in. Gabe said he thinks your dad is going to be better about things but I don’t know, he doesn’t really seem to be able to stay in the same room with me. I’m sorry. If you want him to come back I can go.”

Lukas tightens his grip again. “No!”

Philip squeezes back. “Okay, okay. I’m not going anywhere.”

Lukas looks up at him, trying to find the words he needs, but it’s still so hard, and words have always been such treacherous terrain for the two of them, and really all he wants to do is hold Philip close and pretend none of it ever happened.

Finally he gets two words out. “Lie down?”

Philip looks at him questioningly. “What?’

“Get in with me? Please.”

“You’re hurt.”

“I know. Just lie on this side.” The more words he says the easier it is to find more. “Lie on this side and lean on my arm, not my chest. It’ll be fine.”

Philip starts getting himself onto the bed, but not in it, and Lukas shakes his head.

“Please, get in with me. Under the blankets. Please, Philip.”

Philip’s shushes him and says, “Okay, okay. I’m getting in.”

He lifts the blankets, helps Lukas shift sideways, and slides himself onto the little bit of space that makes, pulling the blankets back over both of them.

Lukas slowly puts his arms around Philip, testing to see if it will hurt, but his chest feels okay for now. Philip puts an arm carefully around Lukas’s waist and presses himself into Lukas’s side.

Lukas doesn’t know what to do, what to say. He knows why Philip’s so sad now, but there’s nothing he can do to fix it. He feels like it’s somehow his fault, because so many things have been his fault, and it feels like everything bad that’s happened has been because of him, but his thoughts are still too blurry for him to follow that through and see if it makes sense.

He presses his face into Philip’s hair and speaks softly. “Philip, I’m sorry, my dad… my dad told me what happened. I’m so sorry.”

Philip doesn’t say anything, just presses himself in closer, his body going tense, grabbing hold of Lukas, making contact with as much of him as possible. Lukas pulls him in tighter, and Philip hides his face against Lukas’s hospital gown. Lukas can feel Philip shaking and realises he’s silently sobbing into his shoulder. He thinks it might be the first time Philip has cried about this - the first time he’s felt safe enough to cry.

He hates that idea, the idea of Philip being so sad but having nowhere to turn with his sadness. He’s not sure if it’s from thinking about that, or just the meds putting him out of whack, or everything else that’s happened, but he finds that he’s crying too; not sobbing, like Philip, but just crying and crying, so many tears, wetting his face, and Philip’s hair, and the pillow.

Almost at the same instant they grip each other tighter, pull each other closer and for what feels like ages they lie in the narrow hospital bed, together, and they hold each other, and they cry.

 

Lukas is the first to stop. He feels about the same, but it’s like the tears just run out. Philip has stopped shaking with sobs, but he’s still crying - Lukas can hear the muffled sound of Philip’s shaky breaths and the occasional low sound rising up from his throat. He rubs Philip’s back and presses a careful kiss to his hair, and whispers “I’m sorry” so quietly that he’s not sure Philip hears it. He moves one hand up into Philip’s hair, cradling his head, securing Philip against him.

He thinks they might stay that way all night, which would be okay, but he’s worried he’ll fall asleep and that Philip will be gone when he wakes up, or that Philip will need him and he won’t be awake to help. But then someone comes in with a food trolley and Gabe trails after, looking tired and sad.

Lukas can feel Philip getting ready to get up, but struck with sudden inspiration he whispers, “shh, don’t move.” and then says quietly to Gabe, “Philip fell asleep, please don’t wake him up.”

Gabe nods. “I won’t, I’m glad he’s resting.”

Philip relaxes against him and Lukas can feel how relieved he is. He feels embarrassed and awkward, holding Philip to him with other people in the room. It’s all so new, but he’s glad he could do this small thing for Philip, wishes he knew how to do more.

The man with the food smiles at Lukas and speaks only in whispers, wheeling a little table to the side of the bed furthest from Philip and placing a tray on it, then pushing his trolley back out the door.

Gabe gestures to the tray. “Need any help with dinner?”

Lukas shakes his head. “It’s fine. I’m not hungry right now. I’ll wait until Philip wakes up.”

“Okay. I’ll be outside. When he’s awake tell him I’ll get him something from the cafeteria if he wants, or we can get food on the way home.”

Lukas’s heart sinks. “Can’t he stay?”

“The night?”

Lukas nods, feeling tears threatening to fall again at the idea of Philip being taken away. He feels Philip’s fingers stroking his side under the blanket; small comforting movements.

“Well, I don’t think visiting hours go forever, Lukas. We’ll have to see what they say. And I’ll need to ask Philip what he wants to do.”

“Okay.”

“You’re going to be okay, Lukas, you both are. You’re both safe now. You don’t need to be able to see him to know he’s safe, or that you are. You know that, right?”

“I know.” Lukas tries to sound confident, but it comes out as a whisper.

Gabe looks unconvinced but moves to the door anyway. “I’m just outside if either of you need anything, okay?” And then he’s out of the room, closing the door behind him.

When the door clicks Philip turns his face up to look at Lukas. He seems to have stopped crying while feigning sleep. “You want me to stay?”

“Of course I want you to stay. If you want to.”

Philip smooths his hand over Lukas’s side again, up and down. “I want to. But I don’t know if they’ll let me.”

“Well I’m not going to let anyone take you away from me, as long as this is where you want to be.”

For a second Lukas thinks he sees the beginnings of a smile on Philip’s face. It disappears almost instantly, and Philip looks almost like he feels guilty for getting that close to smiling. Lukas kisses the top of Philip’s head again and doesn’t say anything about it.

He sees some movement out of the corner of his eye and glances to the door. Through the little window in the door he sees his dad looking in. The expression on his face is hard to categorise. Confusion? Disgust? Lukas isn’t sure. His dad might have said he loved him no matter what, but Lukas doesn’t know how that’s going to work out in practice and he doesn’t want to think about it, not now.

Philip starts to turn to follow his gaze. “What is it?”

Lukas pulls Philip back down, kissing his head again, then his forehead, then his nose. Philip can’t know his dad is watching. Philip doesn’t need that right now, or ever, but especially not right now.

His dad has probably walked away by now anyway, but Lukas refuses to look, refuses to care. He says, “I’m starving, let’s see what they brought me.”

Philip gets out of the bed and between them they work out how to operate the controls and move the bed so that Lukas is sitting up. He really is hungry and he barely notices what he's eating, just shovels in the luke-warm mess as fast as he can.

He asks if Philip wants any but Philip refuses everything, refuses to go ask Gabe for cafeteria food too. Eventually Gabe comes in with a sandwich which Philip thanks him for but then puts down and ignores.

Lukas says, "If you don't like that I think Gabe would get you something else."

Philip shakes his head and says, "I'm not hungry. I'll eat later." and Lukas doesn’t push.

 

When Lukas is done eating he leaves the bed propped up and Philip sits beside him, just on the bed now, not in it. Lukas wants to put an arm around him but it would be his right arm and he's not supposed to move it too much, but Philip leans his head on Lukas's shoulder and that's good too.

In the hallway they can hear Bo and Gabe talking, not quite arguing, but not agreeing. Finally they open the door and Philip awkwardly hops off the bed and sits in the chair instead when he sees Bo. Lukas both wishes he hadn't and is glad that he did at the same time. He knew how to hide from his dad, the idea that he doesn't have hide is much more confusing, and he's not sure that it's completely true, because Bo certainly looks relieved when Philip moves away.

Gabe says, "Lukas, because you're a minor the hospital will let one person stay with you outside of regular visiting hours."

Lukas's dad cuts in immediately, "I'm happy to stay with you, son, I'm not going to leave you alone here." Unspoken is, 'not like I did before, not like when I saw Philip kiss you and ran away and didn't even come back when I heard you'd woken up.'

Lukas doesn't know how to trust his dad now, or forgive him, for that and for so much more. It's like all the anger he'd never allowed himself to feel has burst through to the surface and he's trying desperately to keep it inside of himself still; he refuses to let it out and make everything worse, but he doesn't want his dad to stay with him overnight. Of course he doesn't. He wants Philip.

Gabe says gently, "Really it is supposed to be an adult who stays, usually a parent. I did ask and they said that they'd consider an exception, since the two of you have been through some exceptional circumstances, and because Philip is almost 18. So it's up to you. Both of you."

Of couse he wants Philip. Of course he does. And Philip needs to stay with him, he needs to be able to hold Philip because Philip won't let anyone else and he needs someone right now, but Lukas doesn't know how to say it, how to tell his dad any of that.

And then Philip does it for him, Philip makes it so no one can argue; Philip starts crying and grabs Lukas’s hand and says, "Please, please let me stay here."

It's so different to how he cried before that Lukas is almost certain Philip is at least partially putting it on so that Lukas won't have to say he wants Philip over Bo, won't have to argue with his dad.

Even now, Philip keeps saving him.

 

The nurse doing the last check of the night says "no sharing a bed with a chest wound, okay?" and they both nod.

As soon as she's gone, Lukas pleads with Philip, says "it's fine, it's fine, as long as you're on this side, it doesn't even hurt now, I promise it's fine" until Philip gets back in the bed.

They hold each other again, trying to remember they're safe, trying not to think about everything that's been lost. Lukas tries to stay awake, wants to stay awake all night and watch over Philip, but with Philip curled into his side he really feels safe for the first time in so long and sleep comes too easily to be resisted.

 

Lukas dreams that he's floating again, in that place he was before, but this time Philip is tucked into his side, his hair fanning out as though he's underwater, his eyes closed and a soft smile on his lips as they float together.

Nothing can break them apart. Nothing can touch them.


End file.
